I Love Women

I’ve wanted to write another positive post about women for a while now (earlier posts are here). All because of a female blogger I stumbled upon last year. She is a misogynist, even though she’d be the last to admit it.

Apart from her small group of immediate family and close friends, she holds the view that women are bickering b*****s–insanely jealous of each other (in her case, of her good looks), and unable to get along with each other. She is well-traveled and swears that women are the same everywhere: argumentative, petty and mean. She prefers to work and play with men. Her posts always made me want to say, Billions of Blue Blistering Barnacles and Thundering Typhoons! Excuse me, what??

I’m almost certain the problem lay with her; not with other women. There is just no way all the women she met could have been so terrible. I have known many women in my relatively short life, and they have been the support that has carried me through some of the worst seasons of my life. They also make up the fabric of some of my favorite memories of being fully alive and happy.

One of my BFFs and I were once unwittingly caught up in a love triangle. Jean-Marc had just told Sofia he had feelings for her; she didn’t have feelings for him. As she shared this with me, I informed her that I had feelings for Jean-Marc, which he seemed to reciprocate. Sofia and I were both shocked. Jean-Marc later declared he had no feelings for me. As you can imagine, it was a hot mess. I wanted the world to end.

The months that followed were difficult, at best. But early on, Sofia and I had decided that we would fight for our friendship. We valued it too much to allow this storm stirred up by a man’s mishandling of relationships to destroy it. Sofia and I showed up for needful conversations with each other that were sometimes beyond painful. We honored each other. Privately, we each wept and railed and agonized. And we continually chose love and forgiveness, sometimes several times in one day.

As months went by and healing came, our friendship emerged from the storm even stronger than before. Sofia is one of my greatest champions. She fights for my dreams and I for hers. She wouldn’t hesitate, if she had to jump into the path of an oncoming train to save me. I’d do the same for her. You can’t convince me that women are horrible.

Women are deeply relational, tender and compassionate. When we live from our true selves, rather than from our woundedness, we release a fragrance of beauty that smooths out the rough edges of life. We love fiercely and well. We invite the world to life, to elegance and laughter, to vulnerability and goodness.

I love women.

*Picture by Sujin Jetkasettakorn

Dating in the City

I thought I’d start 2012 by doing something really new, so I went speed dating (perhaps subconsciously inspired by Hitch). I’ve begun to notice a pattern with dating: in smaller cities, I get asked out more, even by strangers I run into on the street. In bigger cities, the fish aren’t biting. And in the church, there is a crisis. I much prefer to meet people face-to-face, rather than date online, so speed dating was the next best thing to being asked out by someone in my circles.

The only information I had about the evening was that I should expect to have 12 dates in the 2-hour period. Not bad for one who hasn’t been on a formal date in years. I arrived at the midtown lounge with a good friend, whom I’d convinced to join me on this adventure. We signed in and were directed to our seats, based on numbers that were assigned to us. I had expected more fun and games at the event–more structure–but the 5-minute dates were free-form.

My dates ranged from highly entertaining men (some with the help of mind-altering drinks) and decent conversationalists, to socially awkward ones. The 5-minute slots seemed alternately too short, just right or never-ending. Right off the bat, most men wanted to talk about work. Once that was out of the way, I’d steer the conversation to my favorite question of the night: What do you do for fun? Invariably, those who were stumped by the question were the ones who made the 5-minute date seem like an eternity. No life outside of work = No date!

One of my dates pontificated about the Greeks and their varied expressions of love for our entire 5 minute-slot. Greek lesson? No, thank you. Running one’s mouth is no way to pique a woman’s interest. I might have told him that, had he let me get a word in edgewise. Two men made me laugh so hard with their ridiculous stories about daily life, that when the bell rang and our time was up, we felt like we had just begun. I’m so glad one of them was my final date for the night. It was a good way to go out.

Although I’d actually expected that more fun activities would be incorporated into the evening, I enjoyed the evening and would do it again. Now I’m trying to come up with a modified version of speed dating to add to my Bringing Sexy Back repertoire, the relationship seminars I have hosted since 2010. See, I’m bothered enough by the scarcity of romantic relationships among my peers to do something about it. For the most part, I think today’s young adults don’t know how to do relationships.

What do you think?

Time to Say Goodbye

Somehow I can’t help thinking of that line from the wonderful duet by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman. It is, after all, the last day of 2011 and I am saying goodbye to the year.

It’s been a momentous year full of forward movement, even though I feel like I’m engaged in many things that do not yet come together in any sensible way. But I don’t care too much about it all making sense at this point. No. Right now I’m just happy that I get to do things I enjoy.

What Went Well
My main goal in 2011 was to advance in the Creative Arts. I got back into painting and was also able to focus on writing: blogging on social and political issues as well as poetry. I’ve made significant progress on my 2nd poetry book, even though it’s not done yet (as I hoped it would be) and completed two children’s books. Now to get them published.

I got back into singing on a more serious level than I’d even hoped for and I’m on well my way to performing those jazz solos. That has been so incredibly fun. I joined a small group of thespians and I’m brushing up on my acting skills. I’m working on my first ever Spoken Word piece. So excited about that!

I held a book reading in Austin. It was a fun night with friends and the talented and highly entertaining Johanna McLendon as the musical act for the night. I also put together a 2nd Bringing Sexy Back relationship seminar, which was just as successful as the first. My greatest joy was to see some friends take their relationship to the next level and get married. Hooray!

What Didn’t
A couple of business ideas didn’t take off as I’d hoped, due to unforeseen obstacles. Maybe 2012 is the year they come to life. I also wasn’t able to host my 3rd annual Firefly, an event that celebrates all kinds of talent/creativity. I love celebrating people! Five of my planned book readings fell by the wayside–there just wasn’t a fitting time and place for them.

Unexpected Fun
I relocated to Los Angeles about halfway into the year and was able to find community relatively quickly in different parts of the city. I subscribe to the adage he who wants to have friends must himself be friendly, and it works! I have made wonderful friends in the city who inspire me in such wonderful directions, especially in regard to creativity and social justice.

Looking Ahead
What does 2012 hold for me? I don’t quite know, but I’m excited about the next couple of years. I feel like I’m building something significant that will enable me to leave a legacy. That’s why I really like Beyoncé’s new song, I Was Here. When I know what it looks like–this thing that I’m building–I will let you know. Until then, let’s just be fully present in the here and now, savoring every moment and thanking God for life.

What are your thoughts on 2011?

Becoming You

As a multifaceted artist, I’ve grappled for years with the idea of finding my voice. Often we find it hard to become the people we were meant to be because we grow up in environments that constantly compare us to each other. No two snowflakes are alike, yet no one ever says, “I like this snowflake better than the other one.” Each of us is like a snowflake—unique and beautiful.

Well into adulthood and after pursuing a number of majors in college, I finally realized that I’m happiest when I’m creative. So I dove into poetry, writing, painting, singing—with little or no formal training. At first I was afraid that I wouldn’t measure up to people who had formal training or far more experience in these areas. But I have come to realize that my goal is not to be as good as other people are, but to be the best that I can be.

Vincent van Gogh, a 19^th century impressionist painter, said, “If you hear a voice inside you saying, ‘You are not a painter,’ then by all means paint… and that voice will be silenced.” That quote—and finding out that elephants could paint (what?!)—inspired me to attempt new things, including painting.

It’s not about who thinks you’re a painter or who doesn’t. It’s not about how many albums of your music you can sell or how much you can sell them for. It’s about whether what you are doing brings you joy, even if no one else likes your work. It’s about giving yourself permission to explore things you’re passionate about and room to come up with original ideas.

Take some time to list a number of things that make you come alive. Then ask yourself, “Am I doing any of these things?” If you’re not, what’s holding you back? One of my mentors, T. K. Henderson, recently said to me, “If you’re not walking in your purpose, the world is unbalanced. Don’t let fear hold you back.”

It’s your time. Become who you were meant to be.

Freshlyground, an Afrofusion Band*

My sister introduced me to the beauty of the South African band, Freshlyground. Already being a lover of the traditional South African sound, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on Freshlyground’s music. When I finally got a chance to listen to the blend of afropop, jazz, indie rock and traditional South African music, I was in music heaven.

The band is comprised of 7 members, 5 of whom hail from South Africa. Julio, the guitarist, is from Mozambique and Simon, the flautist (who also plays other instruments), is from Zimbabwe. The band’s makeup crosses racial, cultural and age boundaries and appeals to a wide variety of fans inside and outside the African continent.

Because of their diverse backgrounds, each band member brings a rich contribution to the music they write and perform. Their music is earthy, authentic and organic—the reason their fans love them so much. Not only do they sing love songs, their songs also make social commentary on African issues.

This past summer I had the privilege of seeing Freshlyground live in concert. They brought an infectious and irresistible energy to their set as they invited the audience to get on their feet, sing along and dance with them to a selection of songs from their four albums. Even though I didn’t get up to dance until the end, it was one of the most fun experiences I’ve ever had at a concert.

Following is one of their popular songs; music speaks for itself.

Picture: by Jamati

*Written for AotB